2020: A Year of Realization and Growth

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I imagined my senior year to be an epic, movie worthy experience- a beautiful prom, an emotional graduation, a crazy beach week- the perfect way to cap a year of stress and anxiety over the future and the seemingly endless amounts of college essays and finals. I had spent the most of my high school life staying at home, not going to homecomings or football games or even school plays because in my mind the only celebrations worth celebrating happened in senior year, when feelings of excitement for college and wistfulness for our youth and friendships culminated and everybody could simply dance and laugh and make beautiful memories before embarking on the next chapter of their lives. When the school year was cut short, I left feeling robbed of those experiences I had built up since I was young and was instantly hit with regrets off all the experiences I intentionally avoided before the pandemic. 

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Even in the face of those regrets, I went into quarantine thinking I would be fine; being an introvert and active avoider of all things risky my whole life prepared me well for months of staying at home with movies and books to keep me company- and besides I can always call my friends and family, I thought. So I approached quarantine the same way I had approached everything in life prior, sticking to the same routines, and doing what I felt comfortable with. But slowly, inevitability, the walls in my room grew more enclosing, and an undercurrent of restlessness followed me wherever I went and burrowed deep into my skin. It started with going on walks around my neighborhood, just to explore a world- albeit, a tiny one- outside my home, the walks escalated into runs to burn off that restlessness, and I got addicted to the feeling of being able to release the frustration and worry and regrets gnawing at me. Soon I wanted to try out the at-home workouts it seemed everyone else was doing. I quickly got swept up in a world of boxing, dancing, resistance training, yoga, calisthenics, and began feeling like I was becoming a new person. Not only because I was physically stronger, but I was doing things I never thought I would be able to- going on a mile run without stopping, getting through an entire workout, being able to do consecutive pushups, and even getting close to a handstand. I broke through the barrier that had prevented me from accomplishing goals that seemed too out of reach and did things I always had interest in but never could find the will to do, and the confidence and inner peace that has given me is something I truly am grateful for. 

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Inspired by my success with fitness during quarantine, I tried picking up new hobbies like cooking and hiking and I made an effort to organize zoom calls and netflix parties with my friends. When starting this year at UMD, I forced myself to talk on the Groupme chats and reached out to people on Facebook who seemed similar to me, I joined in on discord calls and virtual game nights, even participating in the Media Eats Club and lively discussions with great students in my CPMS class. I ended up connecting with so many new people with shared experiences, and while I still yearn to be on campus, living the idealized college life, I don’t think I would have grown as much or made as many friends and explored as many hobbies if quarantine had not exposed the limitations I constantly put on myself and challenged them. I eagerly await the days I can attend the missed parties, the movie nights and family gatherings, the gym sessions, and college fairs, because armed with the confidence and skills I learned over the year, I think I can truly live those experiences as they were meant to be.

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